Helping Little Bodies with Big Feelings

One of the topics I get asked about most often is emotional regulation. Big feelings are a big part of childhood and sometimes those feelings show up as less than ideal behaviors. I’m so thrilled that parenting practices have shifted away from “I’ll give you something to cry about” and towards more caregivers asking, “how can I support my child through these emotions.” With so much advice out there, it can be hard to know how to do this.

One thing I’ve learned from years of working with kids is that the most effective regulation strategy I can use is my own regulation. Honestly, sometimes this is hard. I’m sensitive to loud sounds (crying, screaming, whining? among my least favorites for sure). But trying to teach regulation when a kid is already dysregulated usually makes the moment harder for everyone.

While there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, this is what I try to do instead:

• Safety first: If a child is hitting, kicking, or throwing, I help them stay safe. This might mean removing nearby objects, giving them more space, or guiding them to a calming corner / their room.

• Name what’s happening: “You’re frustrated that the drawing isn’t looking the way you want it to,” or “You’re mad because Charlie has the toy you want.” Naming emotions and their cause can help kids feel understood and eventually helps them to identify their emotions themselves.

• Limit my words:  When kids are dysregulated, they can’t process long explanations. Trying to reason or teach in the moment can overwhelm them more. I do my best to keep my language simple and calm if I feel the need to say something (“safe hands,” or “this feels hard”), but mostly stay quiet.

• Model regulation: Instead of telling them what them to do, I might show them something that could help their nervous system. I might take audible deep breaths, give myself a tight hug, color quietly, or crash into a cushion without pressuring them to join. Sometimes, they’ll follow my lead, but even if they don’t, it shows them that everyone needs tools to regulate sometimes.

• Teach later: Once everyone has cooled off and is able to access their thinking brain (frontal lobe) again, I try to teach different strategies. This part can be tricky- I never want a child to feel ashamed of their emotions or like something is “wrong” with them that needs to be fixed. My goal is to equip them with tools so they feel more confident navigating tough moments. We might practice scripts (“I need to take a break,” or “can I play with that toy?”), use stuffed animals to act out coping strategies, or reflect together on what might help next time.

While following this formula will not magically convert your child into a Zen master, it can help them become more confident in surfing the waves of emotions that come up over time. Like any skill, it takes patience and practice, but watching kids grow in their ability to express emotions in safe and healthy ways is incredibly rewarding!

If you’re looking for more personalized support for your child, I’m here to help: Book a 1:1 virtual consultation to identify practical tools for your family. If you'd like to learn more about sensory processing, check out this recording of a presentation I gave at a preschool: Understanding Sensory Processing.

This blog post is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to replace personalized advice or therapy from a licensed occupational therapist. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider regarding concerns about your child’s development or specific needs.